I’ll be there (Rest peacefully Nanny) By Imani.

She says..

I’ll be there for you,

When the leaves are at it’s greenest and the sky is at it’s bluest, look carefully between the clouds and you will see me there.

When the water is at it’s purest and the love is at it’s warmest, look closely to your reflection and you will see me appear.

For all the sweet moments, you’ll weep and fear I miss, fear not, as i’ll be indulging in your happiness, blowing each success, newborn baby and special marriage a sweet “Genelva kiss.”

Look out for the butterfly, a dream, a gust of wind and that gut instinct. I can come to you in any form now because I am free.

So my dear children and grandchildren, do not weep.

Our time was cut short but my goodbye was not forever. I will walk with you throughout every step of your lifetime.

Do you feel me close? I know each and everyone one of you do. My children, I love you.

So don’t cry for me, smile for me. Remember our happy moments.

Remember the time we spent together, Remember our little chats. Remember my smile, my quirky personality and remember my quick comebacks. Remember my style and my loves of this world, but most of all please remember my teachings that I taught you all with great love.

I’m with our creator now, lonely I am not. Live your lives to the fullest and promise me that for one moment, you will not stop.

My family..

I loved you before I knew you’s, I loved you’s deeply when I was here and I will love you’s forever and ever, for you child, I will always be near.

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Mind Trip…

Let me mentally take you to a place where only peace exists.

Look deep into my brown eyes, I’m about to take you through a spiritual shift.

Are you ready to raise your frequency? You vibe with lower energies, that’s why you’re always low in energy.

So let me teach you this ideology. Introduce you to a higher level, a higher you.

Release the past and hold me close, King..

I see the deep scars that scratched past the surface & embedded straight into your heart.

To others you may appear damaged but to me, you’re a perfect work of art.

So let me in, let me speak some magical love into you.

Let me gracefully untangle your knots, I feel it in your vibration, I know you want me too.

So close your eyes and kiss me ever so slow..

As our mind, body and soul connects, allow the electrical frequency to spark through our veins & flow.

I think you’re ready. Let’s go on a mind trip. XO

He’s back! Short story – part 2.

The next thing I remember hearing, was an unfamiliar female voice, telling me to stay with her and not to close my eyes. The deafening sound of an ambulance siren was shrieking in the background. “What had just happened?” I thought to myself, struggling to process the last few moments. I slowly moved my eyes from left to right, trying to see where he had disappeared too but he had already gone. Did I imagine him?

I think I kept drifting in and out of consciousness. My head was pounding intensively & the taste of blood slowly started to seep up my throat. Every few minutes or so, everything would go black. All the screams in the background would fall silent and it would just be me and him in my head. I would picture him hovering over me again but this time with an unsettling smile of hunger on his face. I could still feel his rough, chubby fingers on my cheek. My blood ran cold at the thought of him potentially finding me, but was it actually him? It could of been a lookalike, right? Was my stalker really back to finish off what he failed to complete the last time? Or was my eyes playing tricks on me? After all I had just been hit by a car.

All these thoughts were beginning to increase the excruciating pain already present in my head, so I made the decision to stop thinking. As the racing thoughts rapidly came to a stop, for the first time in a long time, I felt my body beginning to relax. All the pain I felt in my limbs started to decrease and all of a sudden I started to feel sleepy. I hadn’t slept in days, so I gave in. The female’s voice I once heard earlier was slowly fading into the distance…..

**SILENCE**

“ROSIAH! DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP ON ME!” Shouted Lisa the paramedic, whilst rushing Rosiah into the back of the ambulance. “MARK! HER HEART RATE IS DROPPING DANGEROUSLY LOW! I’M STRUGGLING TO FEEL HER PULSE! MARK, QUICK! SHE’S GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST! CPR NOW!!!” As the pair of paramedics began to perform CPR on Rosiah, they knew it was now a race against time. Rosiah had already given up but Lisa was determined to continue the fight for her! “MARK, ITS NOT WORKING! I CAN’T FEEL A PULSE! WE’RE LOSING HER! BRING THE DEFIBRILLATOR NOW!!” Demanded Lisa, she had always been a calm and controlled person in these type of emergency situations, but something about Rosiah made Lisa fearful of losing her, it was the same fear she felt when she was losing a relative. Mark quickly went to get the potentially life-saving device, which would be used in order to send a high energy electric shock to Rosiah’s heart, in the hope of restarting it.

“ONE… TWO… THREE…. CLEAR!!”

Nothing.

“Come on Rosiah, I know you’re still in there.” Lisa whispered to her in a panic.

“ONE… TWO…. THREE… CLEAR!!”

Nothing.

“ONE.. TWO… THREE… CLEAR!!”

Still nothing.

Mark began to stare at Lisa with a worried look. She was determined to bring this young lady back to life, even if it meant breaking the rules of a paramedic. Lisa ignored Mark’s facial expressions and continued to shock Rosiah’s heart a further 12 times, but the outcome was the same. It was too late.

Rosiah’s body was unresponsive. Blood dripped from the cuts on her feet, slowly hitting the ambulance floor, like a tap that wasn’t tightened properly. Lisa took a moment to take in Rosiah’s features carefully. Underneath all the blood, she had a coffee coloured complexion, with medium length, black straight hair. Her perfectly pink outlined lips was now covered in deep cuts. Her whole face was a mess. As Lisa examined Rosiah’s bloodshot eyes with a mini torch, she noticed how beautiful they were, she had the darkest shade of brown eyes that Lisa had ever seen, but behind the beauty, Rosiah’s eyes told a story of pain.

Lisa remembered first hearing about what happened to Rosiah, from a colleague who worked that shift, a few years ago. After that, Lisa would sometimes walk past the ward that Rosiah was admitted onto to check up on her from afar, but she had always been sat with her councillor, Dr. Lisbon. So when Lisa saw Rosiah laying in the middle of the dirty road today, she could of cried. This poor girl couldn’t catch a break. In the strangest of ways, Lisa felt a deep connection towards Rosiah, she couldn’t put her finger on what it was, but there was no way she could let this be the ending chapter of her life! She looked at Mark & wiped the tears forming in her eyes. “Okay.. one last time, I promise. Give me the defibrillator!” Mark obeyed in a hurry but was confused, unable to figure out why Lisa was in such a mess over a stranger. They dealt with situations like this every single day, so what was so different about this girl that got her into such a mess?

“ONE…. TWO… THREE… CLEAR!!!!!”

**SILENCE**

Lisa dropped to her knees with exhaustion. She sat with her head in her hands for a few seconds. “I give up!” She tearfully whispered.

*Beep…. Beep…. Beep… Beep* The machine started to beep in the rhythm of Rosiah’s heartbeat again.

Lisa had done it! Rosiah was alive!

*To be continued*

He’s back! Short Story.

***HUGE GASP***

As I wake up in a puddle of my own sweat, I try desperately to catch my breath. I was in the middle of having another panic attack. It was the fourth time this week that this has happened. The room felt like it was getting smaller and the darkness was getting sharper. I sit up quickly, being forced to remember the awful reality I now live in. He’s back!

“BREATHE ROSIAH BREATHE! HE CAN’T HURT YOU! YOU’RE STRONGER THIS TIME. COME ON ZI CALM DOWN! COUNT TO TEN! DON’T GIVE HIM THIS CONTROL!” I scream to myself in my head, whilst trying to regain control over my body.

“1……….. 2……… 3……..” I start to feel my fingers going numb. “4…….. 5……….” My head starts to feel lighter and lighter by the second. “6……….. 7……….” My mouth is so dry, I feel like a knife is carving out the back of my throat. “8………..” It’s happening again. “9…………..” My body is now close to what feels like paralysis, a wet liquid starts to run down the in between of my legs, whilst the hot tears begin to sting my eyes and burn my cheeks. I try to reach for my phone to call an ambulance “10…………….” I pass out.

*Two days later*

“Dr. Lisbon, it’s started again. The sleepless nights, the paralysis, the paranoia, the panic attacks. How can they let him out 3 years early???? I thought I was supposed to be the victim, why am I still being punished?!” I cried hysterically. “This is a fear I wouldn’t wish on the worst type of person that walks this earth. My body is not my own. My panic attacks has reached the stage where they physically knock me out for days on end. How can I possibly keep living like this? When I close my eyes, I see his smug face staring right back at me. Good behaviour doesn’t disregard the fact that he tried to kill me. Good behaviour doesn’t now make it acceptable to watch someone religiously for 226 days, kidnap them on the 227th day and torture them in the most unthinkable of ways for 41 days straight. HOW IS HE FUCKING BEING LET OUT?!”

Dr. Lisbon takes a deep breath. “Rosiah listen to me, he cannot come near you again. A restraining order has been put in place. If he even tries to contact you via third party, he will go straight back to prison. Between me and you, if you’re not black the law system is very generous towards the individual which isn’t right. I’m deeply sorry that this is happening to you. I’m your counsellor, I’m always going to help you free of charge like promised and not because it’s my job but because I see you desperately need someone in your corner. We have another session booked for next week, where we will look into some more coping mechanisms but Rosiah please contact me beforehand if needed.”

As I stand up to leave, I look at Dr. Lisbon with uncertainty. This woman knew my whole life. She was always there when I needed her as promised. She was there the day they found me. I was curled up in a dirty corner of an abandoned house. Dry blood mixed with dirt staining my body and purple/blue bruises all over my face, arm’s and legs. I remember the distraught look on her face. I had barely any clothes on, just a thin white top that had been torn in almost every section. In a room full of police officers and paramedics, my dignity had already been taken, so I just layed there numb. I remember Dr. Lisbon running over to me without a second thought and covering me up with her jacket. She sat with me all the way to the hospital and visited me everyday but now I look at her unable to know if I could trust her. This whole situation has fucked heavily with my head so I run out before I start to think badly of her kindness.

So now I’m running. I won’t slow down. I push past the confused strangers on the street that are looking around to see what I’m running from, but they can’t see that my fear is chasing me. I’m running away from the past 5 years of trauma. Nobody can stop me. I won’t let them. As I up my speed, I begin to close my eyes, I feel like I’m floating. For the first time in a long time I start to feel free. I laugh out loud and I spread my arms out wide. Fuck his pyscho arse and fuck these suffocating feelings, from this day forwards I choose to be FREE. As I opened my eyes the first thing I seen was a red car unable to stop, coming straight at me. I had ran straight into the road without realising. As I panicked, my body paralysis had rapidly returned, my legs wouldn’t move. I screamed in horror at the top of my lungs, watching the car speeding towards me!

***BANG***

The car ended up hitting me at the speed of 60mph. Laying on the floor barely conscious, the last face I saw was his. I could see a familiar figure moving in and out of the crowd of strangers, who gathered around me. He was getting closer. I saw him whisper something to the woman near me and she moved out of his way. He slowly kneeled down and stroked the hair away from my bloody face. He looked deep into my eyes but he never said a word. His silence was enough. He was back for me.

*To be continued*

Dreams xo

Tell me your dreams pretty girl,

What do you aspire to be like?

Tell me about the woman fighting to break out?

She’s fearless, she’s strong & she dreams about her ambitions all day long.

She doesn’t depend on no one because everyone she truly loved are now gone.

She’s confident, fierce and she dreams big. There’s no way any challenge could defeat her.

I want to be just like her..

She tells me I can be and that she’s just there

But I’m a mother… how can I be you?

My children’s dreams automatically became my own, with every painful push during labour my dreams slowly drifted further and further away.

She tells me that that’s not true because my dreams is what created her.

The Missing Pigeon!

“MUM! MUM! MUM!”

Surely I must be hearing things right now….

I had only just gotten to sleep after an exhausting long day at work and the kids were fast asleep in bed, I had made sure of it.. I doubled checked, in fact I tripled checked (after I had the most amazing, steaming hot, peaceful bath that is.) So now the only thing present on my mind was trying to go back to the sensational dream I had the night before.

Ahhhhh.. there he is! The most beautiful man I had ever seen. He was standing in the distance with a bouquet full of white roses, his ice blue eyes piercing right through my soul, he never lost eye contact with me for a single second. His loose curly hair was a gorgeous golden brown colour & his skin was a glowing, soft caramel complexion. He began to slowly walk over to me in his tailored navy blue suit & dark red tie, he slowly reached out his hand to me and gestured for me to come to him.
“This is it!” I thought to myself , my dream man. I slowly started to walk towards him, I couldn’t help but smile as I started to smell the strong scent of his delicious aftershave .
“I’m coming my love….” I whispered in my sexiest voice.

“MUM! MUM! MUUUUUUMMMMMM!”

Nooooo not now!! Startled, I jumped out of my sleep! “Just as I was getting to the good part.” I whinged to myself. I rubbed my eyes aggressively and seen my young son standing in front of me with a look of fear on his face.

“BABY, WHAT IS IT? WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU OKAY?” I asked in a panic. “Mum, there’s a pigeon in my room!” He shouted. I look at him confused, “A what…..?” I asked not being able to believe my ears. “A pigeon! It’s in my room Mum, it woke me up! Are you listening to me Mum? A PIGEON! Come and get it out! NOW!” He shouted hysterically. I looked for my phone to see what time it was… 3am… I can’t believe this! “Okay, come on son let’s go & check this out.”

My eyes were still adjusting to being awake when I got to my sons room, I traced my eyes around his room carefully and of course nothing was there. The windows were locked shut, there was no possible way a pigeon could of gotten in here. I figured that my son’s imagination must have been working over time so for his own comfort, I went along with it. I checked under the bed, I checked in the cupboards, I checked the drawers & even ended up climbing in the wardrobe just to “double check.”

Can you believe I’m looking for a mystery pigeon at 3am in my own home? The joys of being a parent ay.

“Son… get back into bed, there’s no pigeon in here” I said yawning. “But Mum… hahaha you’re really funny.” He had this look of amusement on his face as he sat innocently on his bed watching me pull apart his room like a mad woman looking for a pigeon, I however was NOT amused.

“Why are you laughing child? I thought you was scared? That’s why you woke me up right? Out of my perfect dream………” my heart broke realising that I may never see my Mr Dream man again.

“Sorry Mum, haha I think it was a bad dream. Although I’m pretty sure I seen a pigeon fly across….. nah, it was definitely a dream. Anyways, I’m tired. Goodnight Mum, see you in the morning silly pants.” And just like that he was peacefully asleep… can you believe it? Me on the other hand…

4am…

4:30am….

5:00am….

As I lay wide awake I started to see the sun rise behind the curtains. I was still traumatised at the events that had just taken place a few hours ago. I had lost my once in a lifetime chance with my Mr Dream man & I wasted an hour of precious sleep looking for a pigeon that didn’t exist. Excuse me whilst I cuddle up to my pillow in self pity.

Well I guess it’s good morning world. I may as well put on the kettle as it’s going to be an even longer day ahead than yesterday was. Wish me luck xo

Believe in your sauce! Thursday motivation xo

“Believe in your own sauce.”

For the past few weeks this has been my most favourite go to phrase, whether I’m giving advice to people or I’m advising myself. Quick question, have you been believing in your own sauce recently?

So many of us are held back from becoming the best versions of ourselves because we would rather take a step back and watch somebody else live out our dreams. You make excuses as to why you’d never be able to achieve the same goal, you tell yourself that you’re not confident enough, not skilled enough or not good enough.. well I call bullshit! Lets be honest, deep down you know that you are all of those great things and more but you find comfort in excuses. You’re not willing to make yourself uncomfortable & you’re not willing to make sacrifices. You want the prize without having to put in the hard work, well I’m sorry but life doesn’t work that way. If you want something you have to think it, feel it and GO GET IT!

You see this “I wish I could be more like him/her” mentality, eventually it will turn you bitter. Yep, I said it! You will turn into either Miss Bitter Betty or Mr Bitter Bob and it’s not a cute look. At first you may start to admire them which then will slowly turn into envy and before you know it those pure feelings you first had will turn into resentment, whether it be towards a loved one or a stranger. Now that being said none of this means you’re a bad person, it just means it time to check yourself and ask yourself what do you really want out of life? Are you still following? Ok, great!

You can do absolutely ANYTHING you put your mind too, if you really want it. You’re a star honey stop doubting yourself! You’re in a race with nobody but yourself, you set the pace and you keep going! God created us all individually with different talents so how dare you compare yourself to someone else and how dare you let those amazing talents/qualities you have go to waste!

One of my greatest fears is getting to my elder years (god willing) and feeling dissatisfied with the life I led. I want to be able to boast to my future grandchildren that I really did my damn thing when it came to all that this beautiful life had to offer. I want to be a beautiful example. I look at my precious grandmother and see the bitterness seeping through her eyes and spraying off her tongue. It’s hard to get any positivity out of her these days because she’s angry at life. She always held herself back, she never challenged herself and she never took risks. She is angry at herself because now she is bedbound, so now what? This is real guys.

My mother encourages me all the time to make the most of being young and to grab everything life has to offer without hesitation. At first I used to overlook that vital piece of advice but now it means everything to me. I now dream big, bigger than I ever allowed myself too and because of that everyday I’m putting a new jigsaw piece in place for my future. Everybody struggles and has setbacks in life but there is always a solution to get around it if you look carefully .

We all have the same 24 hours in a day, don’t waste that precious time overthinking and settling for less. If you fail once, try again! If you fail ten times, try again! If you fail twenty times, TRY AGAIN! You have to crawl before you walk, remember? You were meant for greatness babe, don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that you’re not.

Sincerely, Imani xo