He’s back! Short Story.

***HUGE GASP***

As I wake up in a puddle of my own sweat I try desperately to catch my breath. I was in the middle of having another panic attack. It was the fourth time this week that this has happened. The room felt like it was getting smaller and the darkness was getting sharper. I sit up quickly being forced to remember the awful reality I now live in. He’s back!

“BREATHE ROSIAH BREATHE! HE CAN’T HURT YOU! YOU’RE STRONGER THIS TIME. COME ON ZI CALM DOWN! COUNT TO TEN! DON’T GIVE HIM THIS CONTROL!” I scream to myself in my head whilst trying to regain control over my body.

“1……….. 2……… 3……..” I start to feel my fingers going numb. “4…….. 5……….” My head starts to feel lighter and lighter by the second. “6……….. 7……….” My mouth is so dry, I feel like a knife is carving out the back of my throat. “8………..” It’s happening again. “9…………..” My body is now close to what feels like paralysis, a wet liquid starts to run down the in between of my legs whilst the hot tears begin to sting my eyes and burn my cheeks. I try to reach for my phone to call an ambulance “10…………….” I pass out.

*Two days later*

“Dr. Lisbon, it’s started again. The sleepless nights, the paralysis, the paranoia, the panic attacks. How can they let him out 3 years early???? I thought I was supposed to be the victim, why am I still being punished?!” I cried hysterically. “This is a fear I wouldn’t wish on the worst type of person that walks this earth. My body is not my own. My panic attacks has reached the stage where they physically knock me out for days on end. How can I possibly keep living like this? When I close my eyes, I see his smug face staring right back at me. Good behaviour doesn’t disregard the fact that he tried to kill me. Good behaviour doesn’t now make it acceptable to watch someone religiously for 226 days, kidnap them on the 227th day and torture them in the most unthinkable of ways for 41 days straight. HOW IS HE FUCKING BEING LET OUT!!!”

Dr. Lisbon takes a deep breath. “Rosiah listen to me. He cannot come near you again. A restraining order has been put in place. If he even tries to contact you via third party, he will go straight back to prison. Between me and you, if you’re not black the law system is very generous towards the individual which isn’t right. I’m deeply sorry that this is happening to you. I’m your counsellor, I’m always going to help you free of charge like promised and not because it’s my job but because I see you desperately need someone in your corner. We have another session booked for next week where we will look into some more coping mechanisms but Rosiah please contact me beforehand if needed.”

As I stand up to leave I look at Dr. Lisbon with uncertainty. This woman knew my whole life. She was always there when I needed her as promised. She was there the day they found me. I was curled up in a dirty corner of an abandoned house. Dry blood mixed with dirt staining my body and purple/blue bruises all over my face, arm’s and legs. I remember the distraught look on her face. I had barely any clothes on, just a thin white top that had been torn in almost every section. In a room full of police officers and paramedics, my dignity had already been taken so I just layed there numb. I remember Dr. Lisbon running over to me without a second thought and covering me up with her jacket. She sat with me all the way to the hospital and visited me everyday but now I look at her unable to know if I could trust her. This whole situation has fucked heavily with my head so I run out before I start to think badly of her kindness.

So now I’m running. I won’t slow down. I push past the confused strangers on the street that are looking around to see what I’m running from but they can’t see that my fear is chasing me. I’m running away from the past 5 years of trauma. Nobody can stop me. I won’t let them. As I up my speed, I begin to close my eyes, I feel like I’m floating. For the first time in a long time I start to feel free. I laugh out loud and I spread my arms out wide. Fuck his pyscho arse and fuck these suffocating feelings from this day forwards I choose to be free. As I opened my eyes the first thing I seen was a red car unable to stop, coming straight at me. I had run straight into the road without realising. As I panicked my body paralysis had rapidly returned, my legs wouldn’t move. I scream in horror at the top of my lungs.

***BANG***

The car ended up hitting me at the speed of 60mph. Laying on the floor barely conscious, the last face I saw was his. I could see a familiar figure moving in and out of the crowd of strangers who gathered around me. He was getting closer. I saw him whisper something to the woman near me and she moved out of his way. He slowly kneeled down and stroked the hair away from my bloody face. He looked deep into my eyes but he never said a word. His silence was enough. He was back for me.

*To be continued*

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Dreams xo

Tell me your dreams pretty girl,

What do you aspire to be like?

Tell me about the woman fighting to break out?

She’s fearless, she’s strong & she dreams about her ambitions all day long.

She doesn’t depend on no one because everyone she truly loved are now gone.

She’s confident, fierce and she dreams big. There’s no way any challenge could defeat her.

I want to be just like her..

She tells me I can be and that she’s just there

But I’m a mother… how can I be you?

My children’s dreams automatically became my own, with every painful push during labour my dreams slowly drifted further and further away.

She tells me that that’s not true because my dreams is what created her.

The Missing Pigeon!

“MUM! MUM! MUM!”

Surely I must be hearing things right now….

I had only just gotten to sleep after an exhausting long day at work and the kids were fast asleep in bed, I had made sure of it.. I doubled checked, in fact I tripled checked (after I had the most amazing, steaming hot, peaceful bath that is.) So now the only thing present on my mind was trying to go back to the sensational dream I had the night before.

Ahhhhh.. there he is! The most beautiful man I had ever seen. He was standing in the distance with a bouquet full of white roses, his ice blue eyes piercing right through my soul, he never lost eye contact with me for a single second. His loose curly hair was a gorgeous golden brown colour & his skin was a glowing, soft caramel complexion. He began to slowly walk over to me in his tailored navy blue suit & dark red tie, he slowly reached out his hand to me and gestured for me to come to him.
“This is it!” I thought to myself , my dream man. I slowly started to walk towards him, I couldn’t help but smile as I started to smell the strong scent of his delicious aftershave .
“I’m coming my love….” I whispered in my sexiest voice.

“MUM! MUM! MUUUUUUMMMMMM!”

Nooooo not now!! Startled, I jumped out of my sleep! “Just as I was getting to the good part.” I whinged to myself. I rubbed my eyes aggressively and seen my young son standing in front of me with a look of fear on his face.

“BABY, WHAT IS IT? WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU OKAY?” I asked in a panic. “Mum, there’s a pigeon in my room!” He shouted. I look at him confused, “A what…..?” I asked not being able to believe my ears. “A pigeon! It’s in my room Mum, it woke me up! Are you listening to me Mum? A PIGEON! Come and get it out! NOW!” He shouted hysterically. I looked for my phone to see what time it was… 3am… I can’t believe this! “Okay, come on son let’s go & check this out.”

My eyes were still adjusting to being awake when I got to my sons room, I traced my eyes around his room carefully and of course nothing was there. The windows were locked shut, there was no possible way a pigeon could of gotten in here. I figured that my son’s imagination must have been working over time so for his own comfort, I went along with it. I checked under the bed, I checked in the cupboards, I checked the drawers & even ended up climbing in the wardrobe just to “double check.”

Can you believe I’m looking for a mystery pigeon at 3am in my own home? The joys of being a parent ay.

“Son… get back into bed, there’s no pigeon in here” I said yawning. “But Mum… hahaha you’re really funny.” He had this look of amusement on his face as he sat innocently on his bed watching me pull apart his room like a mad woman looking for a pigeon, I however was NOT amused.

“Why are you laughing child? I thought you was scared? That’s why you woke me up right? Out of my perfect dream………” my heart broke realising that I may never see my Mr Dream man again.

“Sorry Mum, haha I think it was a bad dream. Although I’m pretty sure I seen a pigeon fly across….. nah, it was definitely a dream. Anyways, I’m tired. Goodnight Mum, see you in the morning silly pants.” And just like that he was peacefully asleep… can you believe it? Me on the other hand…

4am…

4:30am….

5:00am….

As I lay wide awake I started to see the sun rise behind the curtains. I was still traumatised at the events that had just taken place a few hours ago. I had lost my once in a lifetime chance with my Mr Dream man & I wasted an hour of precious sleep looking for a pigeon that didn’t exist. Excuse me whilst I cuddle up to my pillow in self pity.

Well I guess it’s good morning world. I may as well put on the kettle as it’s going to be an even longer day ahead than yesterday was. Wish me luck xo

Believe in your sauce! Thursday motivation xo

“Believe in your own sauce.”

For the past few weeks this has been my most favourite go to phrase, whether I’m giving advice to people or I’m advising myself. Quick question, have you been believing in your own sauce recently?

So many of us are held back from becoming the best versions of ourselves because we would rather take a step back and watch somebody else live out our dreams. You make excuses as to why you’d never be able to achieve the same goal, you tell yourself that you’re not confident enough, not skilled enough or not good enough.. well I call bullshit! Lets be honest, deep down you know that you are all of those great things and more but you find comfort in excuses. You’re not willing to make yourself uncomfortable & you’re not willing to make sacrifices. You want the prize without having to put in the hard work, well I’m sorry but life doesn’t work that way. If you want something you have to think it, feel it and GO GET IT!

You see this “I wish I could be more like him/her” mentality, eventually it will turn you bitter. Yep, I said it! You will turn into either Miss Bitter Betty or Mr Bitter Bob and it’s not a cute look. At first you may start to admire them which then will slowly turn into envy and before you know it those pure feelings you first had will turn into resentment, whether it be towards a loved one or a stranger. Now that being said none of this means you’re a bad person, it just means it time to check yourself and ask yourself what do you really want out of life? Are you still following? Ok, great!

You can do absolutely ANYTHING you put your mind too, if you really want it. You’re a star honey stop doubting yourself! You’re in a race with nobody but yourself, you set the pace and you keep going! God created us all individually with different talents so how dare you compare yourself to someone else and how dare you let those amazing talents/qualities you have go to waste!

One of my greatest fears is getting to my elder years (god willing) and feeling dissatisfied with the life I led. I want to be able to boast to my future grandchildren that I really did my damn thing when it came to all that this beautiful life had to offer. I want to be a beautiful example. I look at my precious grandmother and see the bitterness seeping through her eyes and spraying off her tongue. It’s hard to get any positivity out of her these days because she’s angry at life. She always held herself back, she never challenged herself and she never took risks. She is angry at herself because now she is bedbound, so now what? This is real guys.

My mother encourages me all the time to make the most of being young and to grab everything life has to offer without hesitation. At first I used to overlook that vital piece of advice but now it means everything to me. I now dream big, bigger than I ever allowed myself too and because of that everyday I’m putting a new jigsaw piece in place for my future. Everybody struggles and has setbacks in life but there is always a solution to get around it if you look carefully .

We all have the same 24 hours in a day, don’t waste that precious time overthinking and settling for less. If you fail once, try again! If you fail ten times, try again! If you fail twenty times, TRY AGAIN! You have to crawl before you walk, remember? You were meant for greatness babe, don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that you’re not.

Sincerely, Imani xo

Stretchmarks …. xo

Hello there beautiful,

It’s been a long time since I acknowledged you.

Do you forgive me?

For all the time’s I’ve ignored you and hid you away like a dirty secret.

Please forgive me?

For all the times I’ve acted ashamed of you and changed the subject when somebody brought you up.

Forgive me, for the sleepless nights I would cry and tell you that I hated you.

Today something changed.

Today I looked at you… really looked at you.

I acknowledged each pale line and crease

Each swirl and beautiful pattern you created on me.

Look at you

You are called Stretchmarks because you stretched my plain and boring brown skin and gave me a beautiful new and exclusive design.

Each line represents my child’s growth

One line for every kick, punch and stretch.

You are a permenant reminder of an incredible experience.

How could I not see how precious you are, when everyone else could?

You fascinate people, lovers and friends

They gently run their fingers over your lines, outlining each detail carefully

I hope you don’t mind

I wish I acknowledged your presence sooner.

You’re not a burden, you’re a beautiful reminder.

Meet my ex friend…. Anxiety x

Interviewer: So when did you two first meet?

Immy: Erm.. 2017? No.. sorry it was 2016.

Anxiety: Haha yeah, how could you forget sis? I remember seeing you for the first time, you was just coming out of postnatal depression and right there in that moment I knew I was never going to leave you.

Interviewer: What would you say the relationship between the both of you is like?

Anxiety: Strong very strong. We’re what you would call friendship goals 😊. She knows i’ll never leave her.

Interviewer: Erm.. Anxiety, maybe you should allow Immy to talk for a little bit? Immy?

Immy: Well…. sometimes Anxiety can be abit clingy. I mean.. I can’t leave my house without her following me. I can’t venture out to new places without her getting jealous and making me think the worst. There’s been times where she’s made me cry in public and other times she’s made me want to go into hibernation forever. She can be very controlling at times and I struggle to compromise balance with her but she’s right, shes never left me. She’s the only thing in my life that has stayed consistent.

Anxiety: Woah… well that escalated quickly.. dramatic much? *rolls eyes*

Interviewer: Anxiety let her finish!

Immy: I can tell Anxiety is very fond of me right now but I can’t help but reminisce about my previous life without her. I miss the moments where I could walk freely without thinking that everyone is judging me, I miss the times when I could make a simple decision and not piss everyone off by my overthinking and I miss the days where I could breathe and not be so aware of how many breaths I’m taking.

Interviewer: Immy, if you could tell Anxiety anything right now what would it be?

Immy: I want to tell her goodbye. Everyday I’m growing and outgrowing things in my life and you are one of those things Anxiety. We’ve shared some very intense moments together and I thank you because I am now going to use those experiences to help other people. I can no longer look at myself through your eyes anymore. Anxiety you don’t have to like what you see but I do.. I finally do. All my goals you tell me that I’m not worthy of achieving, I want you to sit back and watch me slay them ALL! I want you to have V.I.P access of witnessing me becoming the best version of myself. You came to me in my weakest moment and I allowed you to take control but now I’m ready to say goodbye to you and your manipulative ways, I can take it from here thank you. Goodbye.

My letter to him … xo

Do you remember me?

Do you remember who I am?

Do you remember my birthday?

What about my middle name?

Do you remember anything?

It’s been a long time since I thought about you. As I get older, I keep trying to envision what a life with you in it would of been like.

Would I be happier? Perhaps more trusting? Maybe I wouldn’t scream “Men are trash” so often.

I’ve always wondered what it would of felt like to be your princess.

What it would of been like to have my “first love” present. When you left, you opened me up to a world full of pain.

Love is a word that I’m unfamiliar with, affection is something I struggle to give and pain is something that’s oh so familiar.

I wish you would of taught me about guys. I wish you would of taught me how to distinguish the good from the bad because they all look the same. I endure hurt repeatedly because I’m still trying to figure out what a man’s love is supposed to feel like… how can I know, if you never taught me any of this? All you taught me is that guilt money is a sign of love and abandonment should always be expected.

*Sigh*

So tell me,

What is my favourite colour?

What was my favourite comfort teddy as a child?

What song used to soothe me to sleep?

I always get told that I look like you a lot. From my eyes to my lips, my smile to my creativity. Would you recognise me if you seen me now?

I used to carry a lot of hate for you but now I understand..

We are just two strangers.

The only difference is that I’m half of you.

Sincerley, your daughter xo