I’ll be there (Rest peacefully Nanny) By Imani.

She says..

I’ll be there for you,

When the leaves are at it’s greenest and the sky is at it’s bluest, look carefully between the clouds and you will see me there.

When the water is at it’s purest and the love is at it’s warmest, look closely to your reflection and you will see me appear.

For all the sweet moments, you’ll weep and fear I miss, fear not, as i’ll be indulging in your happiness, blowing each success, newborn baby and special marriage a sweet “Genelva kiss.”

Look out for the butterfly, a dream, a gust of wind and that gut instinct. I can come to you in any form now because I am free.

So my dear children and grandchildren, do not weep.

Our time was cut short but my goodbye was not forever. I will walk with you throughout every step of your lifetime.

Do you feel me close? I know each and everyone one of you do. My children, I love you.

So don’t cry for me, smile for me. Remember our happy moments.

Remember the time we spent together, Remember our little chats. Remember my smile, my quirky personality and remember my quick comebacks. Remember my style and my loves of this world, but most of all please remember my teachings that I taught you all with great love.

I’m with our creator now, lonely I am not. Live your lives to the fullest and promise me that for one moment, you will not stop.

My family..

I loved you before I knew you’s, I loved you’s deeply when I was here and I will love you’s forever and ever, for you child, I will always be near.

Mind Trip…

Let me mentally take you to a place where only peace exists.

Look deep into my brown eyes, I’m about to take you through a spiritual shift.

Are you ready to raise your frequency? You vibe with lower energies, that’s why you’re always low in energy.

So let me teach you this ideology. Introduce you to a higher level, a higher you.

Release the past and hold me close, King..

I see the deep scars that scratched past the surface & embedded straight into your heart.

To others you may appear damaged but to me, you’re a perfect work of art.

So let me in, let me speak some magical love into you.

Let me gracefully untangle your knots, I feel it in your vibration, I know you want me too.

So close your eyes and kiss me ever so slow..

As our mind, body and soul connects, allow the electrical frequency to spark through our veins & flow.

I think you’re ready. Let’s go on a mind trip. XO

He’s back! Short story – part 2.

The next thing I remember hearing, was an unfamiliar female voice, telling me to stay with her and not to close my eyes. The deafening sound of an ambulance siren was shrieking in the background. “What had just happened?” I thought to myself, struggling to process the last few moments. I slowly moved my eyes from left to right, trying to see where he had disappeared too but he had already gone. Did I imagine him?

I think I kept drifting in and out of consciousness. My head was pounding intensively & the taste of blood slowly started to seep up my throat. Every few minutes or so, everything would go black. All the screams in the background would fall silent and it would just be me and him in my head. I would picture him hovering over me again but this time with an unsettling smile of hunger on his face. I could still feel his rough, chubby fingers on my cheek. My blood ran cold at the thought of him potentially finding me, but was it actually him? It could of been a lookalike, right? Was my stalker really back to finish off what he failed to complete the last time? Or was my eyes playing tricks on me? After all I had just been hit by a car.

All these thoughts were beginning to increase the excruciating pain already present in my head, so I made the decision to stop thinking. As the racing thoughts rapidly came to a stop, for the first time in a long time, I felt my body beginning to relax. All the pain I felt in my limbs started to decrease and all of a sudden I started to feel sleepy. I hadn’t slept in days, so I gave in. The female’s voice I once heard earlier was slowly fading into the distance…..

**SILENCE**

“ROSIAH! DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP ON ME!” Shouted Lisa the paramedic, whilst rushing Rosiah into the back of the ambulance. “MARK! HER HEART RATE IS DROPPING DANGEROUSLY LOW! I’M STRUGGLING TO FEEL HER PULSE! MARK, QUICK! SHE’S GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST! CPR NOW!!!” As the pair of paramedics began to perform CPR on Rosiah, they knew it was now a race against time. Rosiah had already given up but Lisa was determined to continue the fight for her! “MARK, ITS NOT WORKING! I CAN’T FEEL A PULSE! WE’RE LOSING HER! BRING THE DEFIBRILLATOR NOW!!” Demanded Lisa, she had always been a calm and controlled person in these type of emergency situations, but something about Rosiah made Lisa fearful of losing her, it was the same fear she felt when she was losing a relative. Mark quickly went to get the potentially life-saving device, which would be used in order to send a high energy electric shock to Rosiah’s heart, in the hope of restarting it.

“ONE… TWO… THREE…. CLEAR!!”

Nothing.

“Come on Rosiah, I know you’re still in there.” Lisa whispered to her in a panic.

“ONE… TWO…. THREE… CLEAR!!”

Nothing.

“ONE.. TWO… THREE… CLEAR!!”

Still nothing.

Mark began to stare at Lisa with a worried look. She was determined to bring this young lady back to life, even if it meant breaking the rules of a paramedic. Lisa ignored Mark’s facial expressions and continued to shock Rosiah’s heart a further 12 times, but the outcome was the same. It was too late.

Rosiah’s body was unresponsive. Blood dripped from the cuts on her feet, slowly hitting the ambulance floor, like a tap that wasn’t tightened properly. Lisa took a moment to take in Rosiah’s features carefully. Underneath all the blood, she had a coffee coloured complexion, with medium length, black straight hair. Her perfectly pink outlined lips was now covered in deep cuts. Her whole face was a mess. As Lisa examined Rosiah’s bloodshot eyes with a mini torch, she noticed how beautiful they were, she had the darkest shade of brown eyes that Lisa had ever seen, but behind the beauty, Rosiah’s eyes told a story of pain.

Lisa remembered first hearing about what happened to Rosiah, from a colleague who worked that shift, a few years ago. After that, Lisa would sometimes walk past the ward that Rosiah was admitted onto to check up on her from afar, but she had always been sat with her councillor, Dr. Lisbon. So when Lisa saw Rosiah laying in the middle of the dirty road today, she could of cried. This poor girl couldn’t catch a break. In the strangest of ways, Lisa felt a deep connection towards Rosiah, she couldn’t put her finger on what it was, but there was no way she could let this be the ending chapter of her life! She looked at Mark & wiped the tears forming in her eyes. “Okay.. one last time, I promise. Give me the defibrillator!” Mark obeyed in a hurry but was confused, unable to figure out why Lisa was in such a mess over a stranger. They dealt with situations like this every single day, so what was so different about this girl that got her into such a mess?

“ONE…. TWO… THREE… CLEAR!!!!!”

**SILENCE**

Lisa dropped to her knees with exhaustion. She sat with her head in her hands for a few seconds. “I give up!” She tearfully whispered.

*Beep…. Beep…. Beep… Beep* The machine started to beep in the rhythm of Rosiah’s heartbeat again.

Lisa had done it! Rosiah was alive!

*To be continued*

He’s back! Short Story.

***HUGE GASP***

As I wake up in a puddle of my own sweat, I try desperately to catch my breath. I was in the middle of having another panic attack. It was the fourth time this week that this has happened. The room felt like it was getting smaller and the darkness was getting sharper. I sit up quickly, being forced to remember the awful reality I now live in. He’s back!

“BREATHE ROSIAH BREATHE! HE CAN’T HURT YOU! YOU’RE STRONGER THIS TIME. COME ON ZI CALM DOWN! COUNT TO TEN! DON’T GIVE HIM THIS CONTROL!” I scream to myself in my head, whilst trying to regain control over my body.

“1……….. 2……… 3……..” I start to feel my fingers going numb. “4…….. 5……….” My head starts to feel lighter and lighter by the second. “6……….. 7……….” My mouth is so dry, I feel like a knife is carving out the back of my throat. “8………..” It’s happening again. “9…………..” My body is now close to what feels like paralysis, a wet liquid starts to run down the in between of my legs, whilst the hot tears begin to sting my eyes and burn my cheeks. I try to reach for my phone to call an ambulance “10…………….” I pass out.

*Two days later*

“Dr. Lisbon, it’s started again. The sleepless nights, the paralysis, the paranoia, the panic attacks. How can they let him out 3 years early???? I thought I was supposed to be the victim, why am I still being punished?!” I cried hysterically. “This is a fear I wouldn’t wish on the worst type of person that walks this earth. My body is not my own. My panic attacks has reached the stage where they physically knock me out for days on end. How can I possibly keep living like this? When I close my eyes, I see his smug face staring right back at me. Good behaviour doesn’t disregard the fact that he tried to kill me. Good behaviour doesn’t now make it acceptable to watch someone religiously for 226 days, kidnap them on the 227th day and torture them in the most unthinkable of ways for 41 days straight. HOW IS HE FUCKING BEING LET OUT?!”

Dr. Lisbon takes a deep breath. “Rosiah listen to me, he cannot come near you again. A restraining order has been put in place. If he even tries to contact you via third party, he will go straight back to prison. Between me and you, if you’re not black the law system is very generous towards the individual which isn’t right. I’m deeply sorry that this is happening to you. I’m your counsellor, I’m always going to help you free of charge like promised and not because it’s my job but because I see you desperately need someone in your corner. We have another session booked for next week, where we will look into some more coping mechanisms but Rosiah please contact me beforehand if needed.”

As I stand up to leave, I look at Dr. Lisbon with uncertainty. This woman knew my whole life. She was always there when I needed her as promised. She was there the day they found me. I was curled up in a dirty corner of an abandoned house. Dry blood mixed with dirt staining my body and purple/blue bruises all over my face, arm’s and legs. I remember the distraught look on her face. I had barely any clothes on, just a thin white top that had been torn in almost every section. In a room full of police officers and paramedics, my dignity had already been taken, so I just layed there numb. I remember Dr. Lisbon running over to me without a second thought and covering me up with her jacket. She sat with me all the way to the hospital and visited me everyday but now I look at her unable to know if I could trust her. This whole situation has fucked heavily with my head so I run out before I start to think badly of her kindness.

So now I’m running. I won’t slow down. I push past the confused strangers on the street that are looking around to see what I’m running from, but they can’t see that my fear is chasing me. I’m running away from the past 5 years of trauma. Nobody can stop me. I won’t let them. As I up my speed, I begin to close my eyes, I feel like I’m floating. For the first time in a long time I start to feel free. I laugh out loud and I spread my arms out wide. Fuck his pyscho arse and fuck these suffocating feelings, from this day forwards I choose to be FREE. As I opened my eyes the first thing I seen was a red car unable to stop, coming straight at me. I had ran straight into the road without realising. As I panicked, my body paralysis had rapidly returned, my legs wouldn’t move. I screamed in horror at the top of my lungs, watching the car speeding towards me!

***BANG***

The car ended up hitting me at the speed of 60mph. Laying on the floor barely conscious, the last face I saw was his. I could see a familiar figure moving in and out of the crowd of strangers, who gathered around me. He was getting closer. I saw him whisper something to the woman near me and she moved out of his way. He slowly kneeled down and stroked the hair away from my bloody face. He looked deep into my eyes but he never said a word. His silence was enough. He was back for me.

*To be continued*

Dreams xo

Tell me your dreams pretty girl,

What do you aspire to be like?

Tell me about the woman fighting to break out?

She’s fearless, she’s strong & she dreams about her ambitions all day long.

She doesn’t depend on no one because everyone she truly loved are now gone.

She’s confident, fierce and she dreams big. There’s no way any challenge could defeat her.

I want to be just like her..

She tells me I can be and that she’s just there

But I’m a mother… how can I be you?

My children’s dreams automatically became my own, with every painful push during labour my dreams slowly drifted further and further away.

She tells me that that’s not true because my dreams is what created her.

The Missing Pigeon!

“MUM! MUM! MUM!”

Surely I must be hearing things right now….

I had only just gotten to sleep after an exhausting long day at work and the kids were fast asleep in bed, I had made sure of it.. I doubled checked, in fact I tripled checked (after I had the most amazing, steaming hot, peaceful bath that is.) So now the only thing present on my mind was trying to go back to the sensational dream I had the night before.

Ahhhhh.. there he is! The most beautiful man I had ever seen. He was standing in the distance with a bouquet full of white roses, his ice blue eyes piercing right through my soul, he never lost eye contact with me for a single second. His loose curly hair was a gorgeous golden brown colour & his skin was a glowing, soft caramel complexion. He began to slowly walk over to me in his tailored navy blue suit & dark red tie, he slowly reached out his hand to me and gestured for me to come to him.
“This is it!” I thought to myself , my dream man. I slowly started to walk towards him, I couldn’t help but smile as I started to smell the strong scent of his delicious aftershave .
“I’m coming my love….” I whispered in my sexiest voice.

“MUM! MUM! MUUUUUUMMMMMM!”

Nooooo not now!! Startled, I jumped out of my sleep! “Just as I was getting to the good part.” I whinged to myself. I rubbed my eyes aggressively and seen my young son standing in front of me with a look of fear on his face.

“BABY, WHAT IS IT? WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU OKAY?” I asked in a panic. “Mum, there’s a pigeon in my room!” He shouted. I look at him confused, “A what…..?” I asked not being able to believe my ears. “A pigeon! It’s in my room Mum, it woke me up! Are you listening to me Mum? A PIGEON! Come and get it out! NOW!” He shouted hysterically. I looked for my phone to see what time it was… 3am… I can’t believe this! “Okay, come on son let’s go & check this out.”

My eyes were still adjusting to being awake when I got to my sons room, I traced my eyes around his room carefully and of course nothing was there. The windows were locked shut, there was no possible way a pigeon could of gotten in here. I figured that my son’s imagination must have been working over time so for his own comfort, I went along with it. I checked under the bed, I checked in the cupboards, I checked the drawers & even ended up climbing in the wardrobe just to “double check.”

Can you believe I’m looking for a mystery pigeon at 3am in my own home? The joys of being a parent ay.

“Son… get back into bed, there’s no pigeon in here” I said yawning. “But Mum… hahaha you’re really funny.” He had this look of amusement on his face as he sat innocently on his bed watching me pull apart his room like a mad woman looking for a pigeon, I however was NOT amused.

“Why are you laughing child? I thought you was scared? That’s why you woke me up right? Out of my perfect dream………” my heart broke realising that I may never see my Mr Dream man again.

“Sorry Mum, haha I think it was a bad dream. Although I’m pretty sure I seen a pigeon fly across….. nah, it was definitely a dream. Anyways, I’m tired. Goodnight Mum, see you in the morning silly pants.” And just like that he was peacefully asleep… can you believe it? Me on the other hand…

4am…

4:30am….

5:00am….

As I lay wide awake I started to see the sun rise behind the curtains. I was still traumatised at the events that had just taken place a few hours ago. I had lost my once in a lifetime chance with my Mr Dream man & I wasted an hour of precious sleep looking for a pigeon that didn’t exist. Excuse me whilst I cuddle up to my pillow in self pity.

Well I guess it’s good morning world. I may as well put on the kettle as it’s going to be an even longer day ahead than yesterday was. Wish me luck xo

Stretchmarks …. xo

Hello there beautiful,

It’s been a long time since I acknowledged you.

Do you forgive me?

For all the time’s I’ve ignored you and hid you away like a dirty secret.

Please forgive me?

For all the times I’ve acted ashamed of you and changed the subject when somebody brought you up.

Forgive me, for the sleepless nights I would cry and tell you that I hated you.

Today something changed.

Today I looked at you… really looked at you.

I acknowledged each pale line and crease

Each swirl and beautiful pattern you created on me.

Look at you

You are called Stretchmarks because you stretched my plain and boring brown skin and gave me a beautiful new and exclusive design.

Each line represents my child’s growth

One line for every kick, punch and stretch.

You are a permenant reminder of an incredible experience.

How could I not see how precious you are, when everyone else could?

You fascinate people, lovers and friends

They gently run their fingers over your lines, outlining each detail carefully

I hope you don’t mind

I wish I acknowledged your presence sooner.

You’re not a burden, you’re a beautiful reminder.

Meet my ex friend…. Anxiety x

Interviewer: So when did you two first meet?

Immy: Erm.. 2017? No.. sorry it was 2016.

Anxiety: Haha yeah, how could you forget sis? I remember seeing you for the first time, you was just coming out of postnatal depression and right there in that moment I knew I was never going to leave you.

Interviewer: What would you say the relationship between the both of you is like?

Anxiety: Strong very strong. We’re what you would call friendship goals 😊. She knows i’ll never leave her.

Interviewer: Erm.. Anxiety, maybe you should allow Immy to talk for a little bit? Immy?

Immy: Well…. sometimes Anxiety can be abit clingy. I mean.. I can’t leave my house without her following me. I can’t venture out to new places without her getting jealous and making me think the worst. There’s been times where she’s made me cry in public and other times she’s made me want to go into hibernation forever. She can be very controlling at times and I struggle to compromise balance with her but she’s right, shes never left me. She’s the only thing in my life that has stayed consistent.

Anxiety: Woah… well that escalated quickly.. dramatic much? *rolls eyes*

Interviewer: Anxiety let her finish!

Immy: I can tell Anxiety is very fond of me right now but I can’t help but reminisce about my previous life without her. I miss the moments where I could walk freely without thinking that everyone is judging me, I miss the times when I could make a simple decision and not piss everyone off by my overthinking and I miss the days where I could breathe and not be so aware of how many breaths I’m taking.

Interviewer: Immy, if you could tell Anxiety anything right now what would it be?

Immy: I want to tell her goodbye. Everyday I’m growing and outgrowing things in my life and you are one of those things Anxiety. We’ve shared some very intense moments together and I thank you because I am now going to use those experiences to help other people. I can no longer look at myself through your eyes anymore. Anxiety you don’t have to like what you see but I do.. I finally do. All my goals you tell me that I’m not worthy of achieving, I want you to sit back and watch me slay them ALL! I want you to have V.I.P access of witnessing me becoming the best version of myself. You came to me in my weakest moment and I allowed you to take control but now I’m ready to say goodbye to you and your manipulative ways, I can take it from here thank you. Goodbye.

My letter to him … xo

Do you remember me?

Do you remember who I am?

Do you remember my birthday?

What about my middle name?

Do you remember anything?

It’s been a long time since I thought about you. As I get older, I keep trying to envision what a life with you in it would of been like.

Would I be happier? Perhaps more trusting? Maybe I wouldn’t scream “Men are trash” so often.

I’ve always wondered what it would of felt like to be your princess.

What it would of been like to have my “first love” present. When you left, you opened me up to a world full of pain.

Love is a word that I’m unfamiliar with, affection is something I struggle to give and pain is something that’s oh so familiar.

I wish you would of taught me about guys. I wish you would of taught me how to distinguish the good from the bad because they all look the same. I endure hurt repeatedly because I’m still trying to figure out what a man’s love is supposed to feel like… how can I know, if you never taught me any of this? All you taught me is that guilt money is a sign of love and abandonment should always be expected.

*Sigh*

So tell me,

What is my favourite colour?

What was my favourite comfort teddy as a child?

What song used to soothe me to sleep?

I always get told that I look like you a lot. From my eyes to my lips, my smile to my creativity. Would you recognise me if you seen me now?

I used to carry a lot of hate for you but now I understand..

We are just two strangers.

The only difference is that I’m half of you.

Sincerley, your daughter xo

Motherhood… The Dummy Fairy.. S.O.S!

Kids in bed… check✔

Tidy house… check ✔

Coursework completed.. check check & check✔

So here I was in bed with a cup of Earl Grey tea, ready to start typing up my first blog post. All day I have been waiting for this very moment, numerous ideas have been racing through my head, man I had it all planned out……. but now my mind has gone blank.. GREAT!

*20 mins later*

Okay…

I’ve got it…. lets talk about motherhood.

Its only right seeing as I’m currently going through a never ending battle with my 2 year old son, when it comes to the most evil thing in the world called … *insert dramatic music here* “BEDTIME!”

This very second he is playing a game of “Let see how long mummy can keep putting me back in my bed before she gives up and eventually puts me in her bed where I will go straight to sleep without an issue.” Ahhh… what an amazing game, right? I must warn you though, only the patient survive.

Before two weeks ago, my 2 year old son had the perfect sleep routine. I can’t lie, I was one of those mums that would brag about their children sleeping like angels. I’d be giving advice left, right and centre like I was nanny 911 on how to get your child to sleep.. LOL karma is real guys. Just because your kids have been going to bed at 7pm everyday for the last few years, doesn’t mean it will stay like that😊

Anyways… so on Thursday 15th Febuary 2018, the “Dummy Fairy” visited my house and collected my sons dummy as he’s getting to old for one now. At first alls was fine, motherhood was going splendidly, he accepted the change with ease and slept peacefully for 2 whole nights…… but then everything changed!

My dear sweet boy who loves his sleep remembered that deep down he was actually pissed that he didn’t have his dummy and decided to go on a “no sleeping” strike.

Every morning he wakes up around 4/5am and marches into my room yelling “DUMMY FAIRY IS NAUGHTY, MUMMY!” Now can you imagine that? After being up all night with this same toddler, who now refuses to go to sleep until past midnight, he has the audacity to wake me up at that hour in such a traumatizing way lol smh.

Tonight I almost gave in though, two weeks of barely 4 hrs sleep each night.. I was so close to having a word with the dummy fairy to give him back his dummy but God must of felt sorry for me and was like “Hold up Imani, I got you girl!” because after the 100th time of putting my toddler back to bed… HE FINALLY WENT TO SLEEP!!!!!! *tears of joy* *happy dance* *pops open bottle of champagne* joke.

Anyways, is that the time? I have to get some sleep before my real life alarm clock barges into my room again lol. Goodnight guys xo